Night of the Crabs (Rerun)

This week Danielle and Sam are rerunning one of their favorite episodes about the 1976 pulp horror novel Night of the Crabs by Guy N. Smith. Enjoy!

When a pair of swimmers disappear off the coast of Wales it’s up to well-known botanist, and uncle to one of the missing swimmers, Cliff Davenport to uncover what happened. Why, exactly, it’s up to him is anyone’s guess, but Cliff quickly proves himself by uncovering crab tracks on the beach (is that a thing?) and concluding his nephew was murdered by sheep-sized crabs. Spoiler: Cliff is wrong, they are, in fact, cow-sized crabs; c’mon, Cliff, do better. Cliff is made to quickly forget the grief of his lost nephew in the arms of the nubile and newly divorced Pat, who is one-hundred percent on board with giant killer crabs, having seen crab tracks herself (no seriously, are crab tracks a thing?!). The two investigate and have sex in about equal measure, but it’s not until the nearby secret, but not too secret, military base is attacked by an army of giant, invincible crabs lead by, as dubbed by Cliff, the cunning King Crab, that anyone else takes notice. Cliff, now somehow a marine biologist, works with the department of defense to devise a plan to entomb the crabs in their underwater cave. This plan, predictably, fails spectacularly, and so many are killed by the enraged crab army Danielle had to give up keeping count. All Sam knows is that he has a new hero: All hail King Crab!

Ice Planet Barbarians – Part 2

This week Danielle brings the exciting conclusion of the 2015 freezing-hot erotic sci-fi Ruby Dixon novel Ice Planet Barbarians. When we last left off, a group of women and been kidnapped by aliens then abandoned on an ice planet (the title doesn’t lie) and while most of the women slowly freeze to death, one, named Georgie, goes off to find help but instead has a sexual liaison in a cave with a different blue horned alien named Vektal. Now that we’re all caught up, it’s time for Georgie to try and guide Vektal back to her dying friends. She does this by eating a bunch of raw meat (which is gross) and falling into an ice chasm full of giant fish-faced Sasquatch things (which are also gross), and engaging Vektal in more sexual activity (which is the grossest). Eventually, Vektal finds the frozen corpse of one of the other girls, but never mind her, this means there are more women that he can bring back to his tribe, which is conveniently experiencing a dearth of women and, also conveniently, all the human women are sexually compatible and interested in the aliens, a fact Sam finds nigh inconceivable. However, the women are overjoyed to see Georgie has brought help, and only slightly perturbed by the notion of her having freaky alien sex with the blue dude accompanying her. Georgie agrees to go back with Vektal to his village to retrieve supplies for the women so they can all move there. Off she and Vektal go to the spend the night in the cave of ancestors where there’s a crashed ship frozen in the ice. Georgie pushes a button and the ship’s computer of plot convenience springs to life! The computer explains a whole bunch of stuff about how the blue aliens came to this planet and how they live, but none of that really matters since this books deals with none of that (a fact Sam is greatly frustrated by). What does matter is that the computer can magically download modern “Earth English” to the aliens’ brains, and their language to Georgie’s brain. Oh and also the girls will need to have a parasitic worm implanted in them post-haste or they’ll die from the planet’s toxic atmosphere. After much trekking to the village and back with rescuers in tow, and more alien sex than is necessary, all the women have to make a very hard decision: Die immediately or get the parasitic worm shoved in their necks. Tough call. Anyway, the girls learn that the aliens that originally abducted them are headed back, and also Georgie is likely pregnant with Vektal’s giant alien hybrid baby, but that’s a horror show we sadly miss since the book ends immediately as soon as Georgie has her man. If you want to learn more (maybe), feel free to dive into the other 21 (again, not a typo) books in this series, but as for now, please enjoy Sam’s complete breakdown at the ending of this book.

Ice Planet Barbarians – Part 1

This week Danielle brings some steamy, sci-fi erotica with the 2015 Ruby Dixon novel Ice Planet Barbarians. Georgie is your average, nondescript 22-year-old woman who finds herself abducted by aliens and thrown in a cage with several other women on a spaceship. There are also some women in suspended animation tubes around the cargo hold the cage is in, but they don’t matter for this book, but if you’re curious you can dive into one of the other 21 (not a typo) books in this series. The aliens that have abducted Georgie are cliché little green men accompanied by a security detail of giant orange aliens. Neither of these alien species are particularly relevant because the ship starts having engine trouble and they decide to jettison the cargo pod of women onto a nearby planet to pick up later. Sam takes extreme umbrage with this plan, since some of the women die in the crash landing (and their deaths are entirely brushed aside), but if the aliens had merely left the cargo pod in orbit they wouldn’t have had any problems. After suffering an apparently inconsequential head injury, Georgie is nominated to go explore the barren ice planet in search of food or anything else useful. Georgie is immediately caught in a snare trap and blacks out. While out, a blue alien creature named Vektal finds her, and the symbiotic parasite that lives in him and controls his libido goes absolutely gaga for Georgie for reasons that are beyond comprehension. Vektal decides to take Georgie to a cave and just starts going to town on her. Georgie wakes up from her second recent bout of unconsciousness to this large, blue alien with his mouth just all over her and thinks “Yeah, I’m into this” and goes with it for a while. When Vektal gets a little too frisky, she pushes him off her and that’s when they decide to do a little round of basic introductions through the alien language barrier. Camped out in this cave with Vektal and Georgie is where we leave part one, what about the other dozen-plus women slowly freezing to death in the crashed cargo pod? They’re not nearly as important as Georgie getting her alien freak on.

Romie-0 and Julie-8

This week Sam brings the classics, sort of, with the 1979 animated TV special Romie-0 and Julie-8. The classic Shakespeare tragedy Romeo and Juliette has been adapted innumerable times, and this is certainly another one. In the far future—or maybe the distant past, who knows—there are two warring robotics companies getting ready for a highly competitive robotics conference. The Mega Stellar Corporation is releasing the Romie-0 robot, and Super Solar Cybernetics is releasing the Julie-8. What is the purpose of these teenage humanoid robots? That is never explained, but Danielle and Sam have some entirely unwholesome theories about the market for these things. At the conference the two CEOs, Mr. Thunderbottom and Ms. Passbinder (which Sam misheard as Ms. Fassbinder due to poor audio quality, he was paying super good attention he swears) and their quadruplet clones perform a large musical number where each try to insist their robot is the best. However, when a creepy thief dude named Gizmo in the audience tries to walk off with Julie-8, Romie-0 comes to her rescue and they instantly fall for each other. Later they decide to run away to be together and end up going with Gizmo on his space garbage barge to the junk planet while the two CEOs blast off in Mr. Thunderbottom’s corporate building, which is also a rocket ship, to track down the wayward robots. On the junk planet Julie-8 is kidnapped by the ruler of the planet, a giant robot named Sparepartski, who disposes of Romie-0 while Gizmo tries to persuade Julie-8 to marry Saprepartski. We won’t spoil the twist ending, but it’s clear that while this animated special may have only been a half-hour, it packs enough insanity for a feature-length film.

Wonder Woman 1984 – Part 2

This week Danielle brings the conclusion of the 2020 film Wonder Woman 1984. When we last left our heroes they had just returned from a magical invisible jet flight to Egypt and had determined the best course of action was to either get everyone to unwish their wishes, or to kill Maxwell Lord, who had wished himself to become the magic citrine, lest we forget. Speaking of Max, he’s slowly unraveling mentally and physically, and finagles meeting with the President where he declares he’s a sovereign nation unto himself. Also, the President lets slip that they have a magic satellite thing that has a beam which will override the screen of any device the beam touches. And if you think the term “touches” is used there figuratively, boy would this magic wishing-citrine-now-human like to have words with you. While Diana as Wonder Woman shows up to stop Max, Barbara is there to foil her plans because she is also power hungry and won’t give up her wish-granted superhuman powers. Wonder Woman is defeated because her powers are waning due to her own wish to have her beau Steve back, who now inhabits the body of another man whom they have no regard for, and which is still totally not okay. While Max and Barbara fly to the satellite control island, Diana lets Steve go and renounces her wish (finally) and then lassos a jet plane to get her home. She also lassos lightening to travel, but this is a concept so astoundingly dumb that Sam refuses to acknowledge it’s a thing. Anyway, after Diana grabs some magic armor of a long dead (but not really dead because comic books) Amazonian warrior, she chases after Max and Barbara for a showdown on Satellite Control Island. Max has been broadcasting to the entire wold enticing them to wish using the magic of him touching them through a satellite beam video feed (seriously, how the wishes work in this movie is something beyond mortal comprehension). Chaos engulfs the Earth as wishes are granted willy-nilly, but before Diana can get to Max she must first fight Barbara, who has been transformed into a cheetah woman via the magic of the script says so. If you think their showdown is intense, wait until you hear how Diana defeats Max: Via the superpower of a very compelling, moralizing speech.

Wonder Woman 1984 – Part 1

This week Danielle brings the superhero craziness with the 2020 film Wonder Woman 1984. If you didn’t see the first Wonder Woman film, don’t worry, neither did Sam, and Danielle barely remembers it, so no context needed! Diana Prince (Gal Gadot) is your average working 80s girl, only she’s really an immortal Amazonian from Themyscira who is still pining for Steve (Chris Pine), the love of her life and a pilot who died in World War 1. When a botched robbery brings a mysterious citrine in to the Smithsonian where Diana works with her mousy new friend Barbara Minerva (Kristen Wiig), things start to go awry. While holding the stone, both Diana and Barbara make wishes in their heads and then a magic wind blows, foreshadowing the granting of their wishes. Barbara wished to be strong and beautiful like Diana, but Diana’s wish is a surprise for later. That’s when Maxwell Lord (Pedro Pascal) rolls in, he’s the head of an oil company/Ponzi scheme who has just made a large donation to the museum, which seems to grant him carte blanche to just touch evidence, like the citrine, in an FBI investigation. He invites them all to a gala that night in his honor and Barbara is instantly taken with him and agrees while Diana declines. That night at the gala, Diana is now suspicious of Max and shows up anyway, and is immediately sexually harassed by every guy in there, since all men in this world are completely terrible. She brushes them off, but then one of them says a phrase that Steve once said to her, and Diana realizes her wish came true: Steve is back! Only, Steve is not himself, his consciousness has been shoved into the body of another man. What happened to the mind of the man whose body this was originally? Who cares, certainly not our supposed “heroes” Diana and Steve, who immediately drop everything to go have sex in that poor, possessed man’s home with his unable-to-consent body. Meanwhile, Max Lord (seriously, that name) has initiated a make-out session with Barbara in order to steal the citrine. With the citrine safely in his castle/home, Max does something absolutely bonkers and wishes to become the wishing stone. It might be reasonable to take a moment here to discuss the rules of the magic citrine, but the rules for this wishing stone are so arbitrary and crazy you’re just going to have to listen to all our rants to get it, there’s too much to include here. Maxwell then starts coercing others into wishing things that benefit him while touching him, and then also taking something from them in exchange for the “wish”, and if that’s confusing, get used to it. Anyway, Max jets off to Egypt while Diana and Steve, now back on the case, follow him in the dumbest way imaginable. This movie is so long, and chock-a-block full of nonsense, that Danielle has to end it there before Sam gets so angry at the inconsistent wishing rules and dumb Wonder Woman lasso tricks that he quits the podcast entirely.

The Librarian: Return to King Solomon’s Mines

This week Sam shares the made for TV sequel, the 2006 movie The Librarian: Return to King Solomon’s Mines. After two very hefty media pieces (and even more hefty episodes) Sam thought a short, fluffy, made for TV movie would make a nice, easy episode, but we can all see how well that worked out for him. We catch up with Flynn (Noah Wyle), the titular librarian with 22 higher education degrees, out in Utah recovering a clairvoyant crystal skull from some truly incompetent artifact rustlers. While Flynn succeeds in this supposedly world-saving quest, Judson (magical Bob Newhart) is less than impressed with his recklessness. But there’s no time for skulls, as Flynn is off to a surprise birthday party thrown for him by his mother, who’s still trying to hook him up with random women, in this case a cousin. What happened to Nicole, the love interest from the previous movie? While The Librarian never provides an answer, Danielle and Sam cook up a theory involving her being removed from time by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which unbelievably somehow makes sense in context. On his way home, Flynn discovers his apartment has been ransacked by an evil dude looking for a scroll that was mailed to Flynn from Egypt. The evil guy manages to find the scroll and vamoose after leaving Flynn unconscious. After Judson revives him, he explains to Flynn that what was stolen was a map to King Solon’s Mines which contain his most magical and powerful artifacts. Luckily, to read the map you need a legend that’s safely hidden in Morocco. Instead of leaving it in safety, Flynn is tasked with recovering the legend first and, ideally, the map as well. So having learned nothing from the mistakes of the first film, Flynn jets off to meet up with a sexy archeologist who has even more degrees than he does, somehow. Together, they hope to recover the map, and the legend, and maybe just take a quick peek inside King Solomon’s Mines despite Judson’s clear instructions not to. Meanwhile, Sam hopes to be able to explain how this story has kept Flynn just as brainy, but also made him into way more of a moron somehow. Bottom line: we really miss Nicole.

Book Reshorts: Bonus Break

After tackling to very long books, Danielle and Sam need a break to recover. So, please enjoy this bonus episode about the Christopher Pike book Bury Me Deep that was released for our Patreon supporters. We’ll be back next week with your regularly scheduled nonsense!

Legend – Part 2

Danielle is here with the thrilling (confusing?) conclusion of the Jude Deveraux romance novel Legend. Kady is back from the 1870s and she’s determined to learn nothing from her time there. After suffering many more indignities at the hands of her fiancé and his mom, she finally grows a spine and dumps him after weeks of waffling. It’s at this point that a magical voice reminds her that, oh yeah, didn’t she have a quest to find the decedents of Ruth by some arbitrary deadline that’s now only three days away? So Kady books it to New York City where she has absolutely no trouble finding one C.T. Jordan, the descendant in question. He is a grown man who runs a non-specific business, wears all black, and loves playing with his knife and sword collection. Kady busts into his office uninvited and he is extremely unhappy to see her and is (justifiably) rude to her. So of course, Kady is totally into him since she has the best taste in men. It turns out that since Kady has found him in time Ruth has bequeathed her all the Jordan family fortune in a will from over a hundred years ago; something so nonsensical it breaks Sam’s brain slightly. Instead of taking the money and running, Kady is determined to head back to the Colorado town of Legend to find the time portal and somehow save Cole (her erstwhile kidnapper) from being killed as a child in a robbery. C.T. is rightly skeptical of her, but quickly loses all likability when he follows her to Legend and arranges for her to be shot at so she’ll agree to work with him so that he can get into her pants, despite that he already has a fiancé and that Kady already invited him along in the first place but he declined making all his subterfuge pointless. At this point, Sam needs a drink. Also, C.T. has two cousins in the now ghost town of Legend: one is a law student wearing nothing but overalls, and the other rides a motorcycle off-road on the mountains of Colorado, and C.T. kinda makes out with that one. All this leads to Kady sleeping with C.T. (just the best taste in men) before engaging in more time-travel shenanigans so poorly thought out as to defy explanation. All that really matters is that Kady learns a valuable lesson by the end of the book: What’s most important is that she can serve the men in her life. Seriously, she has the worst taste in men.

Legend – Part 1

This week Danielle whisks us to a world of romance and fantasy in the Jude Deveraux novel Legend. Meet Kady, your average successful, attractive professional chef with no sense of self-worth. She’s engaged to Gregory, an obvious misogynist and whose mother owns the restaurant where Kady works, so it’s a perfect match. Fortunately for Kady, she happens across an improbably large flour tin. Upon opening the tin Kady finds a perfectly sized wedding dress from over a hundred years ago along with shoes and accoutrements, all somehow stuffed into that flour tin without damage. Bafflingly to Sam, Kady immediately puts the dress which opens a portal which Kady immediately goes though. She now finds herself in 1870s Colorado and sees a man being hanged by three other people. Leaping to the unsubstantiated conclusion that she must save this man and the other three are evil, Kady, still in her poofy wedding dress fights them off and takes the unconscious, half-choked man down and then goes to bed. Kady wakes up to this strange man making out with her and just accepts his explanation that he thought she was angel. The man, Cole, immediately proposes marriage which Kady refuses (yay!) but after she can’t find a job in the nearby town she takes him up on his offer (boo!). This begins a portion of the book involving the obligatory long looks, breathless almost make outs, and Kady having several opportunities to return home, but feeling just too darn torn to go back through the portal because Cole is too dreamy. Even when Cole imprisons her in his estate, Kady decides to stay and cook a massive feast since apparently she can’t leave but does have complete control over his finances. Also, Kady has been dreaming of an Arabian man with a veiled face every week since she was a child, and you might think this would be important, but the only important thing Sam can focus on is how terrible Kady’s taste in men is and WHAT SIZE IS THAT FREAKING FLOUR TIN?

Be sure to check out I Drink Your Podcast, especially the Fish Tank episode featuring Danielle and Sam. You can find them on Twitter @IDYP_Podcast, Instagram @idyp_podcast, and listen wherever you get your podcasts.